New Year Laughs
We Need To Have A Talk…
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.
In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied:
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
New Year’s Adjustments…
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?” the cop asked.
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” the golfer asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
New Year’s Party Follies…
It was New Year’s Eve and a very rich man was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, hanging out with his friends all standing around and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and calls for attention. His friends all look up as the rich, eccentric man announces, “The first person that swims across my pool will get all my money!”
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, takes a swig of his scotch and says, “Ok…the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house!”
Still no one moves.
“OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.”
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.
“OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle, everything I own.”
“Splash!” Somebody was in the pool! Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he’s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
“That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?”
“I don’t want the money.”
“Do you want the house now or later?”
“I don’t want the house.”
“Do you want the cars and planes now or later?”
“I don’t want the cars or the planes.”
“Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?”
“I don’t want that either.”
“Do you want the girls now or later?”
“I don’t want the girls.”
The rich guy looks at him, quite perplexed and says, “Well, what the heck do you want?!?!”
The man looked back at him intently and said:
“I want the jerk that pushed me in!”